I’m very ambitious for my son. I want him to be very successful in whatever he chooses to do with his life. And in the same way that Rudyard Kipling wrote IF for his boy, I’ve written this poem for mine for the day he comes of age and wonders how to make something of himself. It’s called, ‘It Pays To Be A Cunt’. I’d like to read it to you now,

Throughout your life
You are taught to be nice
To give and not to take
But let’s now assess
Other people’s success
To understand this big mistake

I’ll be straight about this right from the front
You may not like the word but it pays to be cunt.

Yes hard work pays
And you make your own luck
But the way to get power
Is to never give a fuck
In order to prove what I have to say
Let’s look at some cunts in the world today

Eyes down look in let’s give it some welly
Exhibit A - the cunts on the telly.

Piers Morgan, Gary Lineker
Alan Sugar, Former Prime Minister
Tony Blair, Cristiano Ronaldo
Kanye West, Gwyneth Paltrow
Jeremy Clarkson, Russell Brand,
Alan Shearer, They’re all from cunt land

You must be charming at all times and appear to be nice
But disregard this façade without thinking twice
Jilt your guilt don’t wallow in sorrow
Be a cunt today, you’ll have success tomorrow

It’s a truth we have to confront
Show me a leader of his field
As I’ll now reveal
And I’ll show you … a cunt

George Osborne is first I reckon
With Harvey Weinstein a close second
Jose Mourinho, Emmanuel Macron
Bill Cosby, One Direction

A Syrian’s next. To the list we add
His Excellency President Bashar El Assad
Then we’ve got that Korean loon
Supreme leader Kim Jong Un
Saddam Hussein and Chairman Mao
Hitler, Stalin and Simon Cowell

Don’t know their names and nor do you
But those faceless cunts at the EU
Both Clintons and both Obamas
Everyone involved in BBC drama
I was going to say the Dalai Lama
I bottled out for fear the karma

Like a puppy that keeps coming back to play
Jamie Oliver’s the cunt that won’t go away
(He’s a cunt on a piece of elastic)

You are his subject, he will command you
The cunt of the realm HRH prince Prince Andrew

Benedict Cumberbatch that’s elementary
Sir Jimmy Saville well he’s cunt of the century

Madonna, Madonna can you do the fandango
You Charlie Uniform November Tango

Andrew Lloyd Webber …. Nothing rhymes of Andrew Lloyd Webber apart from cunt

Elton John … he’s the queen of cunts
Sepp Blatter … he’s that dodgy Fifa cunt
Sting … he’s the tantric cunt
Lance Armstrong … cheating cyclist cunt
Robin Thicke … plagiarising cunt
Ross Ashcroft … a bloke who fucked me over once cunt
Stick my step-father in there too … Lou Doppelt - lying, thieving, cheating cunt.

Jon Bercow … not even worth the name of cunt
Brian Cox … he’s so annoying he can only be a cunt
George Clooney … smug cunt …
Posh and Becks … a double cunt
Tom Cruise … scientologist closet cunt
Osama Bin Laden … dead cunt
Jeffrey Epstein … another dead cunt
Everyone at Sky and Channel 4 news … a cuntitude of cunts
David Lammy … Hitler cunt
Mark Zukkerberg … autistic cunt
Diane Abbott … innumerate cunt
Oscar Pistorius … legless cunt
Comedian who just stands there on stage calling people cunts cunt ...

If you can fill the psychopathic minute
With 60 seconds worth of evil done
Yours is the earth and everything that’s in it.
And which is more you’ll be a cunt my son.