1. |
Unacceptable Views
02:55
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Some days I read the paper,
Watch news on the TV
I spend time on the internet
But everything I see
Only leaves me
With unacceptable views
Wrong attitudes
Can’t say what are
I’d be put behind bars
They’re worse than GB News
They’re not something I choose
Can’t blame the booze
But my opinions are bad
And it’s not cos I’m mad
They’re very hard to excuse
I cannot tell my family.
Or articulate them to my friends
If I should mention them at work
My career would quickly come to an end
I’d never work again
I’d be completely condemned
For unacceptable views
My mind’s been skewed
Daren’t say them out loud
Particularly not to a crowd
Not even to amuse
Perhaps the Daily Mail is right. That I must confess
What do I think of the Guardian? It really isn’t hard to guess
Prefer the Daily Express
I think you know the rest
I’ve unacceptable views
What do I do?
Got a Twitter ban
Now I’m on Telegram
With unacceptable views
The bible says forgive
Live and let live
But if he knew what I think
Whoever said that would blink
And say it’s relative
I had to find another place to talk about this stuff freely
On forums on the internet everyone agrees with me
But just anonymously
It’s safer like that you see
My perspective’s so wrong
So wrong it pongs
Got to do something quick
Or I’ll end up in the nick
I better end this song
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2. |
Oh, Bollocks!
03:25
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In times of strife and drama
When troubles come to men
The Indians have karma,
The Chinese have their zen
The Greeks believed in destiny
To keep them firm and strong
The English we have just one word when things go wrong
Oh, bollocks! It’s pouring down I’m going to get drenched
Oh, bollocks! A bomb’s just landed in this trench
Oh, bollocks. I had to go to court, got sued and lost the trial
I wrote 10,000 words, and then erased the file
Oh bollocks!
William the Conqueror
Came across the sea
King Harold lost his kingdom,
His life, his legacy
When that notorious arrow
Pierced him in his eye
He shook his head so wearily
And muttered with a sigh
Oh, bollocks! Here comes a thousand years of Norman rule
Oh, bollocks! I’ve lost it all I’m such a bloody fool
Oh, bollocks! History will never be the same
And no one in the future will ever know my name.
Oh bollocks!
Life is hard and cruel.
It can really get you down.
Just look it in the eye
And meet it with a frown
Breathe in nice and deep,
Fill you lungs with air
Then utter every consonant and let me hear you swear
Oh, bollocks! I just got hacked my bitcoin has been robbed
Oh bollocks! I used the wrong pronoun and lost me job
Oh bollocks,! I accidentally messaged an old ex
And now she’s in my bedroom and starting to undress
Oh bollocks!
Oh bollocks! My country’s going down the bloody drain
Oh bollocks! Forgot my mask I can’t get on the train
Oh bollocks! Death will come to all of us one day
Well when he comes for me, this is what I'll say
Oh bollocks!
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3. |
||||
They said he was respectable
Reliable and true
The man to lead America
And lead the free world too
He’d heal all the division
With dignity and charm
The solid hand of competence
Experienced and calm
No more twitter rants, no more alt right, or orange threat.
Yet.
Maybe Joe Biden shouldn’t be in charge
Should someone that senile even be at large?
Afghanistan is worse than Nam He’s not even vaguely repentant
Just bullies and rants A fzzzzzz
Can’t string together a sentence
End of quote repeat the line
And as for Ukraine, he’s simply abstained.
He ‘s barely been in attendance
Maybe Joe Biden shouldn’t be in charge.
They said it had its origins
Inside a Chinese lab
And that it’s a conspiracy
A global power grab
They said don’t trust the media
It spreads doubt and it spreads fear
You’re going to lose your freedom.
It is all so crystal clear.
A new world order, mass control, the great reset
With all due respect
Maybe conspiracy theorists had it right
The nutters and looks on those weird websites
House arrest, endless tests
Censored if you get snappy
Going abroad is as good as outlawed
Have to wear a face nappy
Population control and power’s the goal
You’ll own nothing and you’ll be happy
Maybe conspiracy theorists had it right
They said he’s Stalin born again.
Another Russian tsar
There’s nothing that he will not do.
He cannot go too far.
Dissenters jailed or murdered
As this tyrant rules by fear
This autocratic overlord
This despotic racketeer
A power crazy imperialist kleptocrat
Well, you could look at it like that
Maybe Vlad Putin just needs one up the bum
We should send Philip Schofield to go and give him one
He’s gay I assume
No straight man’s so groomed
A what’s with the riding bareback?
A girlfriend appeared
She’s really a beard
To wax his back, crack and ball sack
Maybe Vlad Putin just needs one up the bum.
They said that they were women
That is their identity
A victimised, misgendered
Badly wronged minority
Biology’s irrelevant to this progressive clan
To not see them as women
Is as to be anti-trans
Non binary, assigned at birth, and other stuff
I think we've heard enough
Maybe the answer lies between their legs
And then no further questions can be begged
Prisons and sport, toilets passports
They demand all this new legislature
All must sound, the right pronouns
Such silly nomenclature
But via law or compliance, money or science,
You can’t supercede Mother Nature
Maybe the answer lies between legs
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4. |
FOMO
03:36
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Ooh
Bitcoin is going up up quick buy
There’s a really good party but you’re NFI
You want your ex back and you don’t know why
It’s cos she’s posting pics with another guy
There’s a peach of a job you were hoping for
You’d’ve done it really well but you got ignored
And they gave it to somebody that you deplore
You’ve got
FOMO Fear of missing out
Y’ve got FOMO Fear of missing out
FOMO Fear of missing out
Fear of missing out
You see an Insta pic of your friend from school
With his wife in their house with a swimming pool
Or abroad with their kids on a sunny beach
Their idyllic life’s is out your reach
From the Facebook posts that you inspect
You can guess that they have lots of great sex
And on your own shortcomings you now reflect
You’ve got
FOMO Fear of missing out
Y’ve got FOMO Fear of missing out
FOMO Fear of missing out
Fear of missing out
Life’s a dance it’s not a race.
Cool people having fun in the trendy set
Laughing at stuff which you just don’t get
Someone on a diet’s lost loads of weight
You should be pleased for them but you feel irate
Not invited to a wedding and they’re having the craic
Your mate gets all the gigs he’s on the inside track
You see him on TV and have a panic attack
You’ve got
FOMO Fear of missing out
Y’ve got FOMO Fear of missing out
FOMO Fear of missing out
Fear of missing out
You’re not living under Stalin or Kim Jong Un
You don’t reside in the Sudan or in Luton
Your mate’s flashy house has got dry rot
His Mrs drinks too much and she’s not that hot
Your ex was a psycho bunny boiling witch
The job that you wanted? Well, that’s tough shit
There’s nothing you can do so get over it
Don’t get
FOMO Fear of missing out
Don’t get FOMO Fear of missing out
Don’t get FOMO Fear of missing out
Fear of missing out
There will come a time when you don’t exist
Will you worry then about what you’ve missed
Meanwhile perhaps make a bucket list
Because
YOLO You only live once
YOLO You only live once
YOLO You only live once
YOLO You only live once
YOLO You only live once
FADE
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5. |
Gammon and Proud
04:53
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We eat beef and lamb and chicken
All kinds of fish and game
Duck and goat and venison
And others you could name.
Out East - I read once on a blog -
They even like a spot of dog
But of edible creatures small or big
I say the mightiest is the pig
There are so many ways to dine
For which we owe the humble swine
Salame, ham, roast pork, chorizo
Hot dogs, ribs, and wieneschnitzel
Sausages and chipolata
Sugo all’amatriciana
And let us not be mistaken
The finest way to waken’s
To the scent of frying bacon
With no pork pie pray you tell me
Just where would Melton Mowbray be
Pigs make the English breakfast full
Pig’s’re what made John Bull John Bull
They even fought the Nazi plan
By nourishing us all with spam
Pigs gave the Indians Vindaloo
The Chinese sweet and sour too
There’s nothing that a pig can’t do.
How many people do you know
Will let their great religions go
Just for a plate of prosciutto?
A world hog roast could bridge the schism
And end fundamentalism
What’s the need for hostile force
After chops with apple sauce
Yet all the lowly pig does ask’s
A pool of mud in which to bask
A trough in which to put its snout
It eats whatever you hand out
What else can you say that about?
In an age when it was no longer acceptable to mock someone for the colour of their skin. To deride a middle aged white man of an opposing philosophical persuasion whose face reddened when impassioned. They called him gammon.
Gammon!
Yes, gammon.
Well shout it loud
I’m a gammon and proud
And I shall not be cowed
By the baying of Guardian readers
Shine
Now’s our time brethren swine
For we are the porcine
I’m a gammon and proud
I may be older than I’d like
And a little bit plumper than I’d like
Not to mention much balder than I’d like
But there’s not a lot I can do. V I
Drink more than I should
And more frequently than I really should
And for longer than can be any good
And I’ve got a red snout
So shout it loud
I’m a gammon and proud
We are boar we are sow
Let us forage our way to glory
Rise!
Rise above the pork pies
Come ye pigs mobilize
We are gammon and proud
We come now to the epilogue
So as he wallows in his bog
All hail the unassuming hog
Oink, oink
FIN
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6. |
We Are the Plain
03:08
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Slave, in the magic mirror,
come from the farthest space,
Through wind and darkness I summon thee.
Speak!
What wouldst thou know, my Queen?
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who’s the worst treated of them all?
The most overlooked, the most oppressed
Persecuted dispossessed
Whatever you may hear or read
This has little to do with colour or creed.
Whether white or black, brown, blue
Christian or Muslim, Hindu or Jew
Young or old, gay, straight or trans
It doesn’t matter what class, whether woman or man
The most overlooked, as I now explain
Are the unattractive, the ugly, the plain
Mirror, mirror V on the wall,
They’re the worst treated of them all
The most overlooked, the most oppressed
Persecuted dispossessed
They’re paid less, overlooked for jobs
Passed by for loans, they more likely to be robbed
They get longer sentences. Bigger fines
They’re ignored in the media big time
As for depression their rates are the highest
So much microaggression, unconscious bias
Just think about it and you know it’s true
They’re the most overlooked through and through
Time after time they face rejection
They are even victim to sexual selection
Not just now but through all history
It’s the law of Darwin, evolutionary
Nothing matters like your image
Forget about race, this is pretty privilege
If looks don’t matter to an ordinary civilian
Why’s the beauty industry worth a trillion
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
They are the worst treated of them all?
The most overlooked, the most oppressed
Persecuted dispossessed
Nobody’s lobbIES on the ugly’s behalf
They just mock, they deride, they ignore, they laugh
You don’t hear it mentioned, not one iota
Where’s the plain in a diversity quota?
In this endless daily right on chatter
ho’s crying out ugly lives matter?
I know your game with your BAME campaigns
Just another special interest lobbying for gain
The next Bond should be black, they’re always singing
But no one says James Bond should be minging
You think you’re great in the music business
But none of you are asking if they know it’s Christmas
They’ve done no wrong, they haven’t sinned
But who cares if they lived like a candle in the wind?
You give it the big one Elton John
But where’s your save the ugly song?
We are the plain, we are the ugly
We are the ones who make a brighter day so let’s start giving
Why no Hollywood Ugly me too?
Why no LGBTQ U
Well if you’re really so virtuous and you’re really so woke
Then stand up and fight for the ugly fol
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7. |
Please Don't Cancel Me
02:26
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We cannot always help the thoughts that come into our head
But when a word is spoken then it cannot be unsaid
It’s only when the gun is fired that someone ends up dead
You can’t recall an email once it’s sent it will be read
Please, please, please don’t cancel me
I just spoke too hastily
I know that we don’t agree.
But
Please, please, please don’t cancel -
Please don’t set the mob on me
Don’t lynch me for heresy
I’ll do all you ask of me.
Oh
Please, please, please don’t cancel -
Please consider my CV
I need this job desperately
I’ve a wife and family.
So
Please please please
Imploring you
please please please
On bended knee
Please, please, please
Don’t cancel me
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8. |
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I’m pissed off with my country and of what it has become
I’m done I cannot take it any more
I’ve heard of somewhere better
With no government at all
Just anarchy, free trade
And Natural Law.
Oh!
Show me the way to Ancapistan
I need to get there quick as I can
I’ve got a feeling I’ll be a fan
I want to go to Ancapistan
Show me the way to Ancapistan
Truth love and freedom strawberry flan
No one gives orders in Ancapistan
Except mum and dad and sometimes your nan
The time has come for us to make a stand
With our anarcho-capitalist clan
Together let us stick it to the man
No income tax, no bureaucrat plans
No war or inflation and nothing that’s bland
No passports no cronies no government waste
No borders no orders no money debased
Anarchy peace and freedom come first
No gods and no masters and nothing co-erced
Who builds the roads in Ancapistan?
Who runs the trains - I don’t understand
What about healthcare - tell me the plan?
Markets provide in Ancapistan
How do we get to Ancapistan?
It lies along the yellow brick road
Narnia to the east
Atlantis to the west
The path is lit by bitcoin nodes
Breasts are much bigger in Ancapistan
Your penis will grow in Ancapistan
No hair loss problems in Ancapitan
Ancapistan is our promised land
I do not want to have a fight I don’t want culture wars
I just want to get on with my own stuff
Respectfully and peacefully
Will you leave me alone
The West is done. I think I’ve had enough
Oh
Show me the way Ancapistan
Guide me to freedom invisible hand
There are no statists. Life there is so grand
We own ourselves in Ancapistan
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9. |
I Like Wetherspoons
02:48
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If you don’t already know,
There’s a place that you can go
If you want to feel a sense of unity
You can eat, you can drink,
You can quietly have a think
You’ll find yourself at one with the community
You can talk, you can ponder,
You can let your troubles wander
With all manner of eccentric local folk
You’ll find all sorts there,
The owner has peculiar hair
And you’ll still enjoy it even if you’re broke
I like Wetherspoons
Yes I like Wetherspoons
Yes I like Wetherspoons
For tea.
And breakfast
I like Wetherspoons
For one pint Wetherspoons
For two pints Wetherspoons
For three
Want the large mixed grill?
Wetherspoons
Scrambled eggs with dill?
Wetherspoons
Tea and coffee refill?
Wetherspoons
For a tiny bill?
At Wetherspoons
I like Wetherspoons
Yes I like Wetherspoons
Yes I like Wetherspoons
Wetherspoons?
Wetherspoons for tea
Want some nacho dips?
Wetherspoons
Or fried chicken strips?
Wetherspoons
Battered fish and chips?
Wetherspoons
Will you leave a tip?
It’s Wetherspoons
I like Wetherspoons
Yes I like Wetherspoons
Heck, I love Wetherspoons
Spetherwoons?
Wetherspoons for tea
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10. |
Bland (instrumental)
02:51
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Dominic Frisby London, UK
Dominic Frisby is a comedian from London known for his unacceptable songs.
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