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Anthems for the Excommunicated

by Dominic Frisby

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1.
A short short time ago Life was flying by so fast No time for anything Then lockdown handed me my chance I was finally going to write a book Learn how to mix cocktails and to cook I was going to lose weight and get so fit Spend some quality time with the wife and kids. I would do a course in computer code Invoice all of the money that I’m owed Study all of the planets and the stars / Learn a language and the names of the stars And teach myself how to play guitar, do seminars, and pen my memoirs Now I am sat in my pants, slugging back wine In a kind of trance, gone fully porcine Turns out that my kids just drive me mad And as for my wife oh, christ she nags Close proximity should not be allowed Do you actually have to blink so loud? You’re blinking so loud. You blink so loud. I’m wasting my life on the internet What was I googling? I forget I’m sitting here staring at the wall Wondering what is the purpose of it all? Forgot to attend the conference call. Can’t even watch sport. There’s no football. I’m doing sod all. My life’s mothballed. Dreaming of all the things I’m going to do When this coronavirus is through. I am finally going to write a book Learn how to mix cocktails and to cook I am going to lose weight and get so fit Spend some quality time with the wife and kids the wife and the kids my lovely kids (Style of American Pie) Not much time to go Till from Quarantine we’re free / till we’re free from quarantine That’s when I will know That my problem’s really me.
2.
People think we live in a capitalist society and that capitalism has gone wrong. We don’t live in a capitalist society, we live in a crony capitalist society, in which people get on by milking the system, by the special relationships they enjoy with those in power, by the laws, the licences, the regulations and the subsidies granted in their favour. Libertarians preach tolerance. We tolerate others’ views, we tolerate their speech we tolerate their behaviour as long as does not impinge on the life and liberty of others. However, there is one thing we do not tolerate. And that is crony capitalism. And come the revolution crony capitalism in all its forms will be thrown into the dustbin of oblivion. You will not have to pay 360 quid for a standard class open return from Manchester to London. Because crony capitalism will not be tolerated You will not have to come up with two million quid to buy an ordinary house built 150 years ago for an ordinary working man and his family Because crony capitalism will not be tolerated You will not leave university fifty grand in debt while the vice-chancellor’s on half a million a year You will not have to fund Donald Trump’s golf carts, or Gary Lineker’s salary, or Jean-Claude Junker’s wine. Or for their trips to Davos Because crony capitalism will not be tolerated. Nick Clegg will not be paid millions to lobby governments to grant special favours to Facebook. There will be no revolving door between government, corporation, bank and regulator. Huawei will not land juicy government contracts cos half its board of directors used to work for the government. HS2 will not cost 5 billion quid before a track has even been laid. Because crony capitalism will not be tolerated You will not be able to donate to political parties then get knighted and a seat in the House of Lords … Mega corporations will not exploit planning laws you cannot comprehend and build apartment blocks of unfathomable ugliness across your once beautiful city to provide accommodation for people who never even go there. Actors with Hollywood salaries, succulent voices and silk scarves will not march on Downing Street to demand more subsidy for the arts. There’s enough wank in the theatre as it is. Get your heads out of your anuses. Crony capitalism will not be tolerated You will not get financial advice from your mate who thinks he’s a business genius cos he happened to buy a house 30 years ago You will not be forced to pay taxes so that landowners can get subsidies You will not be able to invent spurious afflictions, play the victim card and then demand special favour You will not be able to spread shit about climate change, and then implore governments to spend billions fighting climate change, most of which ends up in the pockets of the CEO. You will be able to cite specious data, demand the economy be shut down and then expect to carry on being paid. Pressure groups will not be funded by tax-payers. Banks will not be bailed out. House prices will not be propped up. The BBC will not be mandatory. There will be no corporate lobbying. There will be no special interest groups. Protectionism of any kind will not exist. Governments will not close down economies. There will be no central planning. There will be no central banking. There will be no government waste. There will be no fiat currency. Crony capitalism will not be tolerated. Crony capitalism will not be tolerated. Crony capitalism will not be tolerated. Because where there is no government there can be no crony capitalism. And in libertaria there will be no government.
3.
I’ve fallen so in love with this girl Her name is … Gary My mates says say Gary isn’t actually a girl I don’t care I want to marry Gary Is this some kind of joke Gary is a bloke I don’t care I want to marry Gary This is just absurd Gary’s not a bird I don’t care I want to marry Gary Gary likes football and quizzes and going down the pub And in the summer time she hangs out at the cricket club I’m wanna marry Gary Gary’s got a beard You’re being very weird I don’t care I want to marry Gary She opens the batting She looks like Mike Gatting I don’t care I wanna marry Gary Gary’s having time off from her job. She’s a scaffolder Cos at the weekend playing rugby, she dislocated her shoulder You’re having a laugh Gary plays scrum half I don’t care I want to marry Gary Gary’s not a dame The clue is in his name I don’t care I want to marry Gary Gary likes steak and baked potato for her tea And then she’ll watch a science programme on Discovery I’m going to marry Gary Gary’s got a van Gary is a man I don’t care I want to marry Gary He’s got a hairy back And a hairy sack I don’t care I’m going to marry Gary Gary says gender is nothing more than a social construct My mates say Gary’s talking out of her rectal duct I’m going to marry Gary It’s not hard to tell This will not end well I don’t care I’m going to marry Gary You’ll have a nasty shock Gary’s got a cock I don’t care I’m going to marry Gary We’ve been here before Several times before) I don’t care There was your girlfriend Barry And then before that Harry And what became of Larry? I don’t care Gary, Gary, Gary
4.
They said it’s an emergency You cannot comprehend The magnitude, the urgency The world’s about to end We must do what these experts say If we are to avoid Extinction and oblivion Act now or be destroyed The end is nigh, this fact must be addressed Nevertheless Maybe climate change is just a hoax A racket to exploit well-meaning folk To get subsidies, grants And aid advanced They say there’s no solution Really the goal Is social control And to sell absolution Maybe climate change is just a hoax They said it’s a coronavirus Called Covid-19 A deadly global pandemic Without a known vaccine. Dramatic action is required No matter what the cost For millions could lose their lives And trillions be lost Another Spanish flu, a plague in all but name All the same Maybe the fear is worse than the disease Do we really need to bring the world to its knees Death does not await mortality rates are less than 3 in a hundred Far greater harm comes from the alarm and from all the blunder Life must go on, just let it, if you please. They said it was a marvel that it never can do wrong Were’t not for its existence we would all dead and gone. Our greatest institution it stands proud and it stands tall Healthcare of good quality’s available to all The envy of the world is what they say Be that as it may Maybe the NHS is overhyped I know that’s a view that some won’t like But are government plans And bureaucrat hands The best supply of good healthcare? There are other means To help those in need If only we could looks elsewhere It’s an administrative mire Overworked and tired The staff are inundated But mention a thing About shortcomings You’re excommunicated There are bungles galore Health outcomes are poor What about all the waiting At A&E Or to see a GP Or if you need operating So many deaths From abuse or neglect That’s murder or manslaughter Nevertheless Those on those on the left Still worship at its altar Maybe the NHS is overhyped
5.
I don’t have big muscles I’m not six foot tall I’m don’t have a six pack I don’t have shedloads of money Or a fancy home Or a flashy car But there was a huge international survey … and the results showed … There’s one thing I do have … And it’s irresistible I’ve got the sexiest accent in the world It makes all other nations swoon and swirl Don’t believe me? They did a global test And found that English Is the sexiest. I’ve got the sexiest accent in the world Look at the effect it has on girls They mustn’t see me Cos then it all gets odd Only hear me And then I’m a love god So if I want a love affair to last I have to do it through the medium of podcast Nothing in vision You switch the camera off You need some ear pods And then you will get off They didn’t say French or Italian or Irish, they said English. And by English, they didn’t mean up north … right sexy … or out west … right sexy … they mean the accent of those that commanded the British empire ... You might be one of these people that suffers from some kind of post colonial loathing of anything white, English or male Whatever I’ve got the sexiest accent in the world Whenever I speak knickers get hurled With just one listen You’ll be so up for it The foreign ladies Oh, they adore it In this age of post colonial guilt Consider the effects of the English lilt You want to obey Then disobey it next In equal measure That’s why it’s great for sex My accent’s like some sexual power tool Just because I went to public school When women hear it They want to take the plunge Because my accent’s A magnet for the clunge I’ve got the sexiest accent in the world If only I could actually meet a girl
6.
One hundred and seventy thousand words in the English language Who’d’ve thought just three of them could trigger so much anguish? It seems absurd That just three words Could cause so much distress What are they? I hear you say. Surely you can guess Arise Sir Nigel Nigel Farage For services to politics And Britain at large Arise Sir Nigel Nigel Farage Gosh there are some people that will take it so hard Have taken it hard Arise Sir Nigel Nigel Farage It will be like some sado-masohistic frottage Arise Sir Nigel Nigel Farage Bestowed with honour by our queen Top badinage The centrist loons And woke buffoons Would suffer such a bruising From just 3 words It’s quite absurd And really quite amusing Arise Sir Nigel
7.
The world has now become a joke Artichoke Artichoke The things I’ve heard the things I’ve seen Aubergine Aubergine So now it’s time to stand and fight Curry night Potato blight Subscription rights I think about what I want to be Potpourri Potpourri I want to be brave and shout it out Speckled trout Speckled trout I need the strength to be myself Unearned wealth Woodland elf Continental shelf What’s going on in the world today? Does anyone know? Can anyone say? It falls me, to show no fear Listen. I’ll make it clear By meaning I will not be bound Ultra sound, ultra sound My mind and soul must be free Cabbage tree Cabbage tree So that is why I wrote this song Bamboo bong. Last furlong. Brasilian thong. So let me say just one more time Squeeze of lime squeeze of lime I will not bow I will not yield Bosworth field, Bosworth field So do you get the point I make Rattlesnake, give and take, carrot cake That’s what’s going on
8.
I am a white man and I’m sorry Cos everything is all my fault The list of wrongs will never end Must spend my life in recompense Just being born a white man is assault So even though I didn’t do them I am the one who you should blame. For any kind of injury At any time in history Even if in antiquity The fault so clearly lies with me I should be lynched, discredited and shamed I ‘ve googled what I'm to blame for. And there is Poverty, injustice, global warming, house prices Rape gangs, homelessness, Communism, drug addiction Terrorism, populism, chauvinism, fascism Population growth and plastic in the ocean. Bias in the media, religious fundamentalism Knife crime, gun crime, corporate crime and hate crime Obesity, inflation, bad traffic, unemployment Floods, teen depression, income inequality Anything bad that happens in Africa Misogyny, tsunamis, slavery and ISIS Covid 19, homophobia Animal abuse, mosquito-born diseases Famine, melting ice caps, lack of opportunity Suicide, racism, teenage pregnancy Erosion of the family, CO2 levels Meteor strikes, mass movement of people Corruption in the Third Word, looting and riots The failures of socialism, wars, pedophilia It’s hard to know what’s more offensive My being male or being white What’s more I went to public school I’m over 50. That ain’t cool We all know well that none of this is right I am a privileged oppressor If I’d known, I’d have not been born / If I had known I’d not be born I should be fined, pay extra tax Be mugged or looted and attacked Have all my property ransacked No platformed if I dare speak back My just desert is to be left forlorn I’m a white man and I’m sorry. For things like The internet, the smartphone, modern medicine, motor cars Steam engines, jet engines, petrol engines, railways Refrigeration, television, running water, space travel Radio, computers, the satellite, GPS Nuclear fission, electricity Photography, plastics, central heating, sewage systems The toilet, the light bulb, eye glasses, anaesthesia Aeroplanes, the printing press, piano, the bicycle Video games, the telescope, the microscope, The training shoe, guitars, lasar, microchips, nylon Amplified sound, vaccination, the battery The electric motor, antibiotics He is a white man and he’s sorry His role on earth is now complete Like dodos, landlines or the fax Cassettes, steam engines, betamax And now the white man is obsolete
9.
On the 23rd of June , 2016 The people of the United Kingdom And Gibraltar Went to vote On an issue that for some had been burning for years The question in full - and unaltered - was - and I quote Should the United Kingdom Remain A member of the European Union? Or leave The European Union? It was the greatest democratic turnout in British history, I do not scoff And when the time came to speak the British said Fuck off Fuck off Campaigning had gone on for many a month With debate and discussion on many a front They’d argued they’d fought they’d smeared and pulled stunts There was David Cameron. Theresa May. George Osborne. Tony Blair. John Major. The BBC. The British told them to fuck off. The British told them to fuck off. If you vote to leave, you’ll lose your job Vote to leave, you’ll lose your home. The ensuing recession will last for years Said David Cameron. Theresa May. George Osborne. And the Treasury. Tony Blair. John Major. The BBC. The Bank of England. Mark Carney. The EU. The IMF. The US president. Saint Obama. Back of the cue. Loads of celebrities. Gary Lineker. JK Rowling. Benedict Cumbertwat. Lord Adonis. Who the fuck’s he anyway? The British told them to fuck off. Seventeen million fuck offs. They wheeled in the experts to tell us what’s right They gave us the benefit of their foresight To leave is calamitous, that’s definite. Food shortages. No medicine. Planes grounded. House price crash. Half a million jobs lost. Cost of £4,300 to every home. Stock market collapse. Riots. No sandwiches. There’d be an outbreak of super gonorrhea. They seriously said that. Donald Tusk at the EU said it would be the end of Western civilization as we know it. I’m not joking. And one more thing. If you vote to leave, that makes you racist. The British told them to fuck off. Seventeen million fuck-offs. A General Election was finally called I think you know where told them to go We won’t have to hear from them ever again From Tony Blair John Major Jon Bercow I can’t tell you how much pleasure it gives me to say that Jo Swinson LOL All those MPs who switched parties without holding a bi-election Chuka Umana Sarah Wollaston Anna Soubry Not a Nazi All the MPs who did the opposite of what they promised in their manifestos Dominic Grieve David Gauke Ken Clarke Philip Hammond Oliver Letwin Ed Vaizey - dick All those patronising Labour MPs who know so much better than you Emily Thornberry Diane Abbot Jess Philips That weird one with glasses Jeremy Corbyn (oh, bless) Hilary Benn Hilary’s a girl’s name. What’s that all about? The civil service The Bank of England The People’s Vote The EU Most of Hackney Bent judges Guy Verhofstad Emmanuel Macron The commentariat James O’Brien Jolyon Moron The BBC Andrew Marr Femi Weirdo Aaron Bastani Gina Miller All the celebrities Hugh Grant Gay Lineker Lily Allen Steve Coogan Nish Kumar - comedian Lord Adonis - who the fuck’s he anyway? The British told you fuck off. 17 million fuck-offs.
10.
11.
Our father We know you don’t exist And we know you’re not in heaven because that doesn’t exist either … probably And we know that religion is just another means of control Like taxes And expansive welfare state But we are praying to you anyway, because prayer is good for the mind. It’s meditation basically. Thanks to free market capitalism pretty much all of us have our daily bread, so thanks for that, even though dumb regulations means there is much more food waste than there needs to be,. Forgive us our trespasses And please can you fix it so the government stops trespassing against us whether its through taxes, stupid laws that I don’t agree with or other impositions. We don’t mind a bit a bit of temptation But for god’s sake please deliver us from the state Mine is the kingdom, the power and the glory for ever and ever. Amen.
12.
When something’s pissing you right off It’s left you glum and blue Down in the dumps morose and sad And there’s nothing you can do Some arsehole’s gone and spoilt your day Some bad news just came through Look to our friend the chicken She’ll show you want to do She goes A fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck off A fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck off I said fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck off A fuck fuck fuck fuck off Fuck off Life is god damned hard for chickens Poor defenceless creature Whether fox or dog or even you Everything’s trying to eat her Then every day an egg to lay That tears her arse asunder How does she deal with it all? She swears like bloody thunder She goes A fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck off A fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck off I said fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck off A fuck fuck fuck fuck off Fuck off fuck fuck fuck fuck off Fuck off fuck fuck fuck fuck off Fuck off fuck fuck fuck fuck off Yeah Don’t know what to do or say? You really can’t decide I have got the answer for you Let the chicken be your guide What do you say when … Somebody else got a gig you really hoping to get because they fit the brand better than you … Fuck off Some arsehole on the telly talking shit … Fuck off The person that keeps passive aggressively cc-ing you on emails you have no int… fuck off Or to all the people doing better than you at life Or to you ex who keeps keeps writing nasty comments on your social 2.47 in the morning,, then accidentally sends photos of her with someone else, then wants to go out for a drink with you to talk things over, and then tries to sleep with you …. Fuck off Your mum won’t want you swearing It may well upset her Get her to channel her inner chicken You’ll both feel so much better She goes A fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck off A fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck off I said fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck off A fuck fuck fuck fuck off Fuck off fuck fuck fuck fuck off Fuck off fuck fuck fuck fuck off Fuck off Yeah The chicken never wins This sad defenceless bird Always dies there at the end But who gets the last word?

about

Some of the songs we made over the course of the nuts year that was 2020.

credits

released December 1, 2020

All tracks written and performed by Dominic Frisby
All tracks featuring Noah Fleetwood on drums, bass & guitar (except track 11)
Tracks 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 & 12 music by Noah Fleetwood
Tracks 2, 10 & 12 feature Chad Lelong on keyboards
Tracks 5, 7, & 8 feature Aideen McQueen on vocals
Track 7 features Lola Daisy Frisby Williams on vocals
All tracks mastered & mixed by Wayne McIntyre
(Except track 11 mastered by Dan Lambert & Kyle Rolph)

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Dominic Frisby London, UK

Dominic Frisby is a comedian from London known for his unacceptable songs.

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