1. |
Lockdown Blues
03:18
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A short short time ago
Life was flying by so fast
No time for anything
Then lockdown handed me my chance
I was finally going to write a book
Learn how to mix cocktails and to cook
I was going to lose weight and get so fit
Spend some quality time with the wife and kids.
I would do a course in computer code
Invoice all of the money that I’m owed
Study all of the planets and the stars / Learn a language and the names of the stars
And teach myself how to play guitar, do seminars, and pen my memoirs
Now I am sat in my pants, slugging back wine
In a kind of trance, gone fully porcine
Turns out that my kids just drive me mad
And as for my wife oh, christ she nags
Close proximity should not be allowed
Do you actually have to blink so loud? You’re blinking so loud. You blink so loud.
I’m wasting my life on the internet
What was I googling? I forget
I’m sitting here staring at the wall
Wondering what is the purpose of it all?
Forgot to attend the conference call.
Can’t even watch sport. There’s no football. I’m doing sod all. My life’s mothballed.
Dreaming of all the things I’m going to do
When this coronavirus is through.
I am finally going to write a book
Learn how to mix cocktails and to cook
I am going to lose weight and get so fit
Spend some quality time with the wife and kids the wife and the kids my lovely kids
(Style of American Pie)
Not much time to go
Till from Quarantine we’re free / till we’re free from quarantine
That’s when I will know
That my problem’s really me.
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2. |
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People think we live in a capitalist society and that capitalism has gone wrong. We don’t live in a capitalist society, we live in a crony capitalist society, in which people get on by milking the system, by the special relationships they enjoy with those in power, by the laws, the licences, the regulations and the subsidies granted in their favour.
Libertarians preach tolerance. We tolerate others’ views, we tolerate their speech we tolerate their behaviour as long as does not impinge on the life and liberty of others. However, there is one thing we do not tolerate. And that is crony capitalism.
And come the revolution crony capitalism in all its forms will be thrown into the dustbin of oblivion.
You will not have to pay 360 quid for a standard class open return from Manchester to London.
Because crony capitalism will not be tolerated
You will not have to come up with two million quid to buy an ordinary house built 150 years ago for an ordinary working man and his family
Because crony capitalism will not be tolerated
You will not leave university fifty grand in debt while the vice-chancellor’s on half a million a year
You will not have to fund Donald Trump’s golf carts, or Gary Lineker’s salary, or Jean-Claude Junker’s wine. Or for their trips to Davos
Because crony capitalism will not be tolerated.
Nick Clegg will not be paid millions to lobby governments to grant special favours to Facebook.
There will be no revolving door between government, corporation, bank and regulator.
Huawei will not land juicy government contracts cos half its board of directors used to work for the government.
HS2 will not cost 5 billion quid before a track has even been laid.
Because crony capitalism will not be tolerated
You will not be able to donate to political parties then get knighted and a seat in the House of Lords …
Mega corporations will not exploit planning laws you cannot comprehend and build apartment blocks of unfathomable ugliness across your once beautiful city to provide accommodation for people who never even go there.
Actors with Hollywood salaries, succulent voices and silk scarves will not march on Downing Street to demand more subsidy for the arts. There’s enough wank in the theatre as it is. Get your heads out of your anuses.
Crony capitalism will not be tolerated
You will not get financial advice from your mate who thinks he’s a business genius cos he happened to buy a house 30 years ago
You will not be forced to pay taxes so that landowners can get subsidies
You will not be able to invent spurious afflictions, play the victim card and then demand special favour
You will not be able to spread shit about climate change, and then implore governments to spend billions fighting climate change, most of which ends up in the pockets of the CEO.
You will be able to cite specious data, demand the economy be shut down and then expect to carry on being paid.
Pressure groups will not be funded by tax-payers.
Banks will not be bailed out.
House prices will not be propped up.
The BBC will not be mandatory.
There will be no corporate lobbying.
There will be no special interest groups.
Protectionism of any kind will not exist.
Governments will not close down economies.
There will be no central planning.
There will be no central banking.
There will be no government waste.
There will be no fiat currency.
Crony capitalism will not be tolerated.
Crony capitalism will not be tolerated.
Crony capitalism will not be tolerated.
Because where there is no government there can be no crony capitalism.
And in libertaria there will be no government.
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3. |
I'm Gonna Marry Gary
02:51
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I’ve fallen so in love with this girl
Her name is … Gary
My mates says say Gary isn’t actually a girl
I don’t care
I want to marry Gary
Is this some kind of joke
Gary is a bloke
I don’t care
I want to marry Gary
This is just absurd
Gary’s not a bird
I don’t care
I want to marry Gary
Gary likes football and quizzes and going down the pub
And in the summer time she hangs out at the cricket club
I’m wanna marry Gary
Gary’s got a beard
You’re being very weird
I don’t care
I want to marry Gary
She opens the batting
She looks like Mike Gatting
I don’t care
I wanna marry Gary
Gary’s having time off from her job. She’s a scaffolder
Cos at the weekend playing rugby, she dislocated her shoulder
You’re having a laugh
Gary plays scrum half
I don’t care
I want to marry Gary
Gary’s not a dame
The clue is in his name
I don’t care
I want to marry Gary
Gary likes steak and baked potato for her tea
And then she’ll watch a science programme on Discovery
I’m going to marry Gary
Gary’s got a van
Gary is a man
I don’t care
I want to marry Gary
He’s got a hairy back
And a hairy sack
I don’t care
I’m going to marry Gary
Gary says gender is nothing more than a social construct
My mates say Gary’s talking out of her rectal duct
I’m going to marry Gary
It’s not hard to tell
This will not end well
I don’t care
I’m going to marry Gary
You’ll have a nasty shock
Gary’s got a cock
I don’t care
I’m going to marry Gary
We’ve been here before
Several times before)
I don’t care
There was your girlfriend Barry
And then before that Harry
And what became of Larry?
I don’t care
Gary, Gary, Gary
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4. |
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They said it’s an emergency
You cannot comprehend
The magnitude, the urgency
The world’s about to end
We must do what these experts say
If we are to avoid
Extinction and oblivion
Act now or be destroyed
The end is nigh, this fact must be addressed
Nevertheless
Maybe climate change is just a hoax
A racket to exploit well-meaning folk
To get subsidies, grants
And aid advanced
They say there’s no solution
Really the goal
Is social control
And to sell absolution
Maybe climate change is just a hoax
They said it’s a coronavirus
Called Covid-19
A deadly global pandemic
Without a known vaccine.
Dramatic action is required
No matter what the cost
For millions could lose their lives
And trillions be lost
Another Spanish flu, a plague in all but name
All the same
Maybe the fear is worse than the disease
Do we really need to bring the world to its knees
Death does not await mortality rates are less than 3 in a hundred
Far greater harm comes from the alarm and from all the blunder
Life must go on, just let it, if you please.
They said it was a marvel that it never can do wrong
Were’t not for its existence we would all dead and gone.
Our greatest institution it stands proud and it stands tall
Healthcare of good quality’s available to all
The envy of the world is what they say
Be that as it may
Maybe the NHS is overhyped
I know that’s a view that some won’t like
But are government plans
And bureaucrat hands
The best supply of good healthcare?
There are other means
To help those in need
If only we could looks elsewhere
It’s an administrative mire
Overworked and tired
The staff are inundated
But mention a thing
About shortcomings
You’re excommunicated
There are bungles galore
Health outcomes are poor
What about all the waiting
At A&E
Or to see a GP
Or if you need operating
So many deaths
From abuse or neglect
That’s murder or manslaughter
Nevertheless
Those on those on the left
Still worship at its altar
Maybe the NHS is overhyped
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5. |
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I don’t have big muscles
I’m not six foot tall
I’m don’t have a six pack
I don’t have shedloads of money
Or a fancy home
Or a flashy car
But there was a huge international survey … and the results showed … There’s one thing I do have … And it’s irresistible
I’ve got the sexiest accent in the world
It makes all other nations swoon and swirl
Don’t believe me?
They did a global test
And found that English
Is the sexiest.
I’ve got the sexiest accent in the world
Look at the effect it has on girls
They mustn’t see me
Cos then it all gets odd
Only hear me
And then I’m a love god
So if I want a love affair to last
I have to do it through the medium of podcast
Nothing in vision
You switch the camera off
You need some ear pods
And then you will get off
They didn’t say French or Italian or Irish, they said English.
And by English, they didn’t mean up north … right sexy … or out west … right sexy … they mean the accent of those that commanded the British empire ...
You might be one of these people that suffers from some kind of post colonial loathing of anything white, English or male
Whatever
I’ve got the sexiest accent in the world
Whenever I speak knickers get hurled
With just one listen
You’ll be so up for it
The foreign ladies
Oh, they adore it
In this age of post colonial guilt
Consider the effects of the English lilt
You want to obey
Then disobey it next
In equal measure
That’s why it’s great for sex
My accent’s like some sexual power tool
Just because I went to public school
When women hear it
They want to take the plunge
Because my accent’s
A magnet for the clunge
I’ve got the sexiest accent in the world
If only I could actually meet a girl
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6. |
Arise Sir Nigel
02:11
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One hundred and seventy thousand words in the English language
Who’d’ve thought just three of them could trigger so much anguish?
It seems absurd
That just three words
Could cause so much distress
What are they?
I hear you say.
Surely you can guess
Arise Sir Nigel
Nigel Farage
For services to politics
And Britain at large
Arise Sir Nigel
Nigel Farage
Gosh there are some people that will take it so hard
Have taken it hard
Arise Sir Nigel
Nigel Farage
It will be like some sado-masohistic frottage
Arise Sir Nigel
Nigel Farage
Bestowed with honour by our queen
Top badinage
The centrist loons
And woke buffoons
Would suffer such a bruising
From just 3 words
It’s quite absurd
And really quite amusing
Arise Sir Nigel
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7. |
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The world has now become a joke
Artichoke Artichoke
The things I’ve heard the things I’ve seen
Aubergine Aubergine
So now it’s time to stand and fight
Curry night Potato blight Subscription rights
I think about what I want to be
Potpourri Potpourri
I want to be brave and shout it out
Speckled trout Speckled trout
I need the strength to be myself
Unearned wealth Woodland elf Continental shelf
What’s going on in the world today?
Does anyone know? Can anyone say?
It falls me, to show no fear
Listen. I’ll make it clear
By meaning I will not be bound
Ultra sound, ultra sound
My mind and soul must be free
Cabbage tree Cabbage tree
So that is why I wrote this song
Bamboo bong. Last furlong. Brasilian thong.
So let me say just one more time
Squeeze of lime squeeze of lime
I will not bow I will not yield
Bosworth field, Bosworth field
So do you get the point I make
Rattlesnake, give and take, carrot cake
That’s what’s going on
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8. |
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I am a white man and I’m sorry
Cos everything is all my fault
The list of wrongs will never end
Must spend my life in recompense
Just being born a white man is assault
So even though I didn’t do them
I am the one who you should blame.
For any kind of injury
At any time in history
Even if in antiquity
The fault so clearly lies with me
I should be lynched, discredited and shamed
I ‘ve googled what I'm to blame for. And there is
Poverty, injustice, global warming, house prices
Rape gangs, homelessness, Communism, drug addiction
Terrorism, populism, chauvinism, fascism
Population growth and plastic in the ocean.
Bias in the media, religious fundamentalism
Knife crime, gun crime, corporate crime and hate crime
Obesity, inflation, bad traffic, unemployment
Floods, teen depression, income inequality
Anything bad that happens in Africa
Misogyny, tsunamis, slavery and ISIS
Covid 19, homophobia
Animal abuse, mosquito-born diseases
Famine, melting ice caps, lack of opportunity
Suicide, racism, teenage pregnancy
Erosion of the family, CO2 levels
Meteor strikes, mass movement of people
Corruption in the Third Word, looting and riots
The failures of socialism, wars, pedophilia
It’s hard to know what’s more offensive
My being male or being white
What’s more I went to public school
I’m over 50. That ain’t cool
We all know well that none of this is right
I am a privileged oppressor
If I’d known, I’d have not been born / If I had known I’d not be born
I should be fined, pay extra tax
Be mugged or looted and attacked
Have all my property ransacked
No platformed if I dare speak back
My just desert is to be left forlorn
I’m a white man and I’m sorry. For things like
The internet, the smartphone, modern medicine, motor cars
Steam engines, jet engines, petrol engines, railways
Refrigeration, television, running water, space travel
Radio, computers, the satellite, GPS
Nuclear fission, electricity
Photography, plastics, central heating, sewage systems
The toilet, the light bulb, eye glasses, anaesthesia
Aeroplanes, the printing press, piano, the bicycle
Video games, the telescope, the microscope,
The training shoe, guitars, lasar, microchips, nylon
Amplified sound, vaccination, the battery
The electric motor, antibiotics
He is a white man and he’s sorry
His role on earth is now complete
Like dodos, landlines or the fax
Cassettes, steam engines, betamax
And now the white man is obsolete
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9. |
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On the 23rd of June , 2016
The people of the United Kingdom
And Gibraltar
Went to vote
On an issue that for some had been burning for years
The question in full - and unaltered - was - and I quote
Should the United Kingdom
Remain
A member of the European Union?
Or leave
The European Union?
It was the greatest democratic turnout in British history, I do not scoff
And when the time came to speak the British said
Fuck off
Fuck off
Campaigning had gone on for many a month
With debate and discussion on many a front
They’d argued they’d fought they’d smeared and pulled stunts
There was David Cameron.
Theresa May.
George Osborne.
Tony Blair.
John Major.
The BBC.
The British told them to fuck off.
The British told them to fuck off.
If you vote to leave, you’ll lose your job
Vote to leave, you’ll lose your home.
The ensuing recession will last for years
Said David Cameron.
Theresa May.
George Osborne.
And the Treasury.
Tony Blair.
John Major.
The BBC.
The Bank of England.
Mark Carney.
The EU. The IMF.
The US president.
Saint Obama.
Back of the cue.
Loads of celebrities.
Gary Lineker.
JK Rowling.
Benedict Cumbertwat.
Lord Adonis. Who the fuck’s he anyway?
The British told them to fuck off.
Seventeen million fuck offs.
They wheeled in the experts to tell us what’s right
They gave us the benefit of their foresight
To leave is calamitous, that’s definite.
Food shortages.
No medicine.
Planes grounded.
House price crash.
Half a million jobs lost.
Cost of £4,300 to every home.
Stock market collapse.
Riots.
No sandwiches.
There’d be an outbreak of super gonorrhea. They seriously said that.
Donald Tusk at the EU said it would be the end of Western civilization as we know it.
I’m not joking.
And one more thing.
If you vote to leave, that makes you racist.
The British told them to fuck off.
Seventeen million fuck-offs.
A General Election was finally called
I think you know where told them to go
We won’t have to hear from them ever again
From
Tony Blair
John Major
Jon Bercow
I can’t tell you how much pleasure it gives me to say that
Jo Swinson
LOL
All those MPs who switched parties without holding a bi-election
Chuka Umana
Sarah Wollaston
Anna Soubry
Not a Nazi
All the MPs who did the opposite of what they promised in their manifestos
Dominic Grieve
David Gauke
Ken Clarke
Philip Hammond
Oliver Letwin
Ed Vaizey - dick
All those patronising Labour MPs who know so much better than you
Emily Thornberry
Diane Abbot
Jess Philips
That weird one with glasses
Jeremy Corbyn (oh, bless)
Hilary Benn
Hilary’s a girl’s name. What’s that all about?
The civil service
The Bank of England
The People’s Vote
The EU
Most of Hackney
Bent judges
Guy Verhofstad
Emmanuel Macron
The commentariat
James O’Brien
Jolyon Moron
The BBC
Andrew Marr
Femi Weirdo
Aaron Bastani
Gina Miller
All the celebrities
Hugh Grant
Gay Lineker
Lily Allen
Steve Coogan
Nish Kumar - comedian
Lord Adonis - who the fuck’s he anyway?
The British told you fuck off.
17 million fuck-offs.
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10. |
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11. |
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Our father
We know you don’t exist
And we know you’re not in heaven because that doesn’t exist either … probably
And we know that religion is just another means of control
Like taxes
And expansive welfare state
But we are praying to you anyway, because prayer is good for the mind. It’s meditation basically.
Thanks to free market capitalism pretty much all of us have our daily bread, so thanks for that, even though dumb regulations means there is much more food waste than there needs to be,.
Forgive us our trespasses
And please can you fix it so the government stops trespassing against us whether its through taxes, stupid laws that I don’t agree with or other impositions.
We don’t mind a bit a bit of temptation
But for god’s sake please deliver us from the state
Mine is the kingdom, the power and the glory for ever and ever.
Amen.
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12. |
The Chicken Song
03:19
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When something’s pissing you right off
It’s left you glum and blue
Down in the dumps morose and sad
And there’s nothing you can do
Some arsehole’s gone and spoilt your day
Some bad news just came through
Look to our friend the chicken
She’ll show you want to do
She goes
A fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck off
A fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck off
I said fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck off
A fuck fuck fuck fuck off
Fuck off
Life is god damned hard for chickens
Poor defenceless creature
Whether fox or dog or even you
Everything’s trying to eat her
Then every day an egg to lay
That tears her arse asunder
How does she deal with it all?
She swears like bloody thunder
She goes
A fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck off
A fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck off
I said fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck off
A fuck fuck fuck fuck off
Fuck off fuck fuck fuck fuck off
Fuck off fuck fuck fuck fuck off
Fuck off fuck fuck fuck fuck off
Yeah
Don’t know what to do or say?
You really can’t decide
I have got the answer for you
Let the chicken be your guide
What do you say when …
Somebody else got a gig you really hoping to get because they fit the brand better than you … Fuck off
Some arsehole on the telly talking shit … Fuck off
The person that keeps passive aggressively cc-ing you on emails you have no int… fuck off
Or to all the people doing better than you at life
Or to you ex who keeps keeps writing nasty comments on your social 2.47 in the morning,, then accidentally sends photos of her with someone else, then wants to go out for a drink with you to talk things over, and then tries to sleep with you …. Fuck off
Your mum won’t want you swearing
It may well upset her
Get her to channel her inner chicken
You’ll both feel so much better
She goes
A fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck off
A fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck off
I said fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck off
A fuck fuck fuck fuck off
Fuck off fuck fuck fuck fuck off
Fuck off fuck fuck fuck fuck off
Fuck off Yeah
The chicken never wins
This sad defenceless bird
Always dies there at the end
But who gets the last word?
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Dominic Frisby London, UK
Dominic Frisby is a comedian from London known for his unacceptable songs.
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