They said he was respectable Reliable and true The man to lead America And lead the free world too America He’d heal all the division With dignity and charm The solid hand of competence Experienced and calm No more twitter rants, no more alt right, or orange threat. Yet. Maybe Joe Biden shouldn’t be in charge Should someone that senile even be at large? Afghanistan is worse than Nam. He’s not even vaguely repentant Just bullies and rants A fzzzzzz Can’t string together a sentence Maybe Joe Biden shouldn’t be in charge. They said he had charisma And bumbling appeal A toff who had the common touch As well as strong ideals. Behind the clown exterior Lies a serious intellect His destiny’s to rule us Another Churchill in effect He’ll save us will the principled free marketeer So it did appear Maybe Borish Johnson’s not that good Just does whatever advisor’s say he should Endless flip flops from this vainglorious fop. State planning and spending ballooning A power whore, like a labrador Without the loyalty or the grooming Maybe Boris Johnson’s not that good They said it’s an emergency You cannot comprehend The magnitude, the urgency The world’s about to end We must do what these experts say If we are to avoid Extinction and oblivion Act now or be destroyed The end is nigh, this fact must be addressed. Nevertheless Maybe climate change is just a hoax A racket to exploit well-meaning folk To get subsidies, grants and aid advanced. They say there’s no solution Really the goal. Is social control. And to sell absolution Maybe climate change is just a hoax They said it had its origins inside a Chinese lab And that it’s a conspiracy a global power grab They said don’t trust the media it spreads doubt and it spreads fear You’re going to lose your freedom. It is all so crystal clear. A new world order, mass control, the great reset With all due respect Maybe conspiracy theorists had it right The nutters and looks on those weird websites House arrest, endless tests Censored if you get snappy Going abroad is as good as outlawed Have to wear a face nappy Population control surveillance patrols You’ll own nothing and you’ll be happy Maybe conspiracy theorists had it right

This next song is a protest song. It's called Fuck the government. Who made the laws on drugs? The Government Who ignored child rape gangs? The Government Who messed up our schools? The Government Yet we expect the government to sort it out. Fuck the government Fuck the government Fuck the government Sit on my finger and swivel on my face Sorry it gets a bit Tarantino that bit. Who went to war in Iraq? The Government Who screwed up healthcare The Government Who sent house prices so high? The Government Yet we expect the government to sort things out. Fuck the government Your laws are too repressive Fuck the government Your taxes are aggressive Fuck the government You welfare is oppressive I wouldn’t even deign to shit on your face That's the Tarantino bit again It wasn’t free speech that caused wars you see It wasn’t free trade caused poverty Free movement didn’t cause inequality It was your interventionist policies Fuck the government The people are suppressed Fuck the government Taxation is theft Fuck the government Anarchy is best I’d like to take this ukulele And shove it up you arse

Sometimes, when I’m all alone, late at night, I pour myself a glass of wine, sit down in front of my computer and type in your name. And there you are on YouTube and they’re all shouting at you and putting you down and you just carry on. And I don’t know, I think, I think I could be in love with Nigel Farage Secretly in love with Nigel Farage I’m looking at you Nigel Farage I’m dreaming at night of Nigel Farage He’s so brave and he speaks so well He stands tall , though they smear him like hell He is consistent and he dresses so well He likes a pint and a fag as well I’ve fallen for you Nigel Farage I’m hopelessly in love Nigel Farage I want to have a pint with Nigel Farage Maybe give him a full-body massage No more distant unaccountable bureaucratic bodies with Nigel Farage No more common agricultural policy with Nigel Farage No more EU fisheries quotas with Nigel Farage Sovereignty restored with Nigel Farage Are you in love with Nigel Farage? Are you in love with Nigel Farage? Are you in love with Nigel Farage? Maybe it's just me that's in love with Nigel Farage

My soul doth sing and my heart doth leap When I catch sight of compost heap. Let me explain what there is to behold In this putrefying, festering mound of mould. Cut grass and leaves, bygone meals, Old tea bags, stale bread, potato peel, Bananas turned black and egg shells galore, All coated in powdery-blue fungal spore. All those things you don’t want, you just throw them here And nutritious soil will appear in a year Thanks to worms and ants, beetles and lice. It is a creepy crawly paradise. They tirelessly process the peel and the rind With nothing but their own self-interest in mind. Nothing is wasted, nor centrally planned. It’s like Adam Smith’s Invisible Hand. This is an example it’s plain to see Of a functioning, free-market economy.

On the 23rd of June in 2016 The people of the United Kingdom - and Gibraltar - went to vote On an issue that for some had been burning for years The question in full - and unaltered - was - I quote Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union or leave the European Union? It was the greatest democratic turnout in British history, I do not scoff And when the time came to speak the British said (musical trill) fuck off Campaigning had gone on for many a month With debate and discussion on many a front They’d argued they’d fought they’d smeared and pulled stunts And David Cameron. Theresa May. George Osborne. Tony Blair. John Major. The BBC. The British told them to fuck off. The British told them to fuck off. If you vote to leave, you’ll lose your job Vote to leave, you’ll lose your home. The ensuing recession will last for years Said David Cameron. Theresa May. George Osborne. And the Treasury. Tony Blair. John Major. The BBC. The Bank of England. Mark Carney. The EU. The IMF. The US president. Saint Obama. Back of the cue. Loads of celebrities. Gary Lineker. JK Rowling. Benedict Cumbertwat. Lord Adonis. Who the fuck’s he anyway? The British told them to fuck off. Seventeen million fuck offs. They wheeled in the experts to tell us what’s right They gave us the benefit of their foresight To leave is calamitous, that’s definite. Food shortages. No medicine. Planes grounded. House price crash. ½ a million jobs lost. Cost of £4,300 to every home. Stock market collapse. Riots. No sandwiches.There’d be an outbreak of super-gonorrhea. They seriously said that. No Mars Bars. No fish and chips. Donald Tusk at the EU said it would be the end of Western civilization as we know it. I’m not joking. And one more thing. If you vote to leave, that makes you racist. The British told them to fuck off. Seventeen million fuck offs. 5 years had gone by since the British did vote Some people still hadn’t got over it yet Brexit is to blame for all wrong in the world Global supply chain failures Microchip shortages in China Empty shelves in Brussels The Covid 19 pandemic Lockdown Not locking down The DVLA failing to process HGV licences leading to a shortage of truck drivers High gas prices when we have perfectly abundant supplies that environmentalists had stopped us producing Panic petrol buying after a false Rumour was spread by a remain leaning trucker organization The failure of the EU to roll out vaccines quickly Vaccines Not enough vaccines Too many vaccines Labour shortages where the pay is shit No currants in Sainsburys That everyone left London during the pandemic The shortcomings the Irish football team I thought we told you to fuck off. Seventeen million fuck-offs

Sometimes you find yourself with an opinion. That’s it all it is a point of view. You ain’t gonna kill people with it. You ain’t going to stab someone with your opinion. But it’s not the opinion they want you have … It’s not the right opinion … So you keep it to yourself … And they tell you their opinion … You may not even want to hear it, but they tell you … I’m not talking about taxi drivers here, but left-wing comedians … They tell you their opinion. Man they shove it down your throat … And you say, well, I’m not sure that’s right … could be another side to that … and they look at you … and they say … You’re a far-right, racist homophobe You’re a facist, you’re a sexist you’re a xenophobe You’re a gammon, you idealogue, you chauvinist You Tory scum, you capitalist You’re a bigot, you’re wingnut, you’re a swivel-eyed loon And you’ll get your frickin’ justice you extremist buffoon You’re spreading hate, you’re spreading hate, you’re spreading hate So this guy I met he was telling me about Jeremy Corbyn … how he’s going to save the country … and I was like I’m not convinced about that guy … And he was saying no, socialism is the best way to help people … And I said I’m not sure about thar either … I’m not sure a lot of people even want helping out. A lot of them just want to be left alone … And he started telling me that these people need helping out, even if they don’t know it … and socialism is the way … And I started thinking of places where they tried socialism … Russia and China, Germany had that National Socialism thing going on, Cuba and Venezuela ain’t working so well today … and I couldn’t think of one where it worked … and he said no, that wasn’t real socialism … … and I said are you sure? … and he looked at me and he said … You’re a far-right, racist homophobe You’re a facist, you’re a sexist you’re a xenophobe You patriarch, you’re biphobic Transphobic, Islamaphobic I’m offended by your views you should do a lot time Having wrong opinions is a hate crime You’re spreading hate, you’re spreading hate, you’re spreading hate So I went for a drink in that place Wetherspoon’s …and there was this girl outside telling people that they shouldn’t go in … since that guy Tim Martin, the owner, came out in favour of Brexit. She said if you go into Weatherspoon’s, you are funding hate … And I said it’s only three pound fifty a pint, I ain’t funding that much hate ... and I said I’m part Italian I’ve seen the youth unemployment in southern Europe and I don’t want to support that … the EU might not be such a good thing … big government, big corporations, big tech for me it’s all part of the same problem … and I think decisions are better made locally … and she looked at me and she said … You’re a far-right, racist homophobe You’re a facist, you’re a sexist you’re a xenophobe You views are so bad, you’re views are so wrong I’m having a meltdown I just carry on. You’re literally Hitler. You’re literally him. You must be excommunicated for this wrong think. You’re spreading hate. You’re spreading hate. You’re spreading hate. Mental explosion!

They said that the world over it was trusted and admired Truthful and impartial and at times even inspired. It’s many finest moments oh so fondly we recall This cherished national treasure that was loved by one and all. It educated, it informed and entertained All the same Maybe we should re-think the BBC Why do we need state supplied TV? It’s oh so pious And riddled with bias Could it’s programmes be any blander? Don’t watch it you say? You’ve still got to pay For this statist propaganda. Why should the licence fee be mandatory? They said it was a marvel that it never can do wrong Were’t not for its existence we would all dead and gone. Our greatest institution it stands proud and it stands tall So healthcare of good quality’s available to all The envy of the world is what they say Be that as it may Maybe the NHS is overhyped I know that’s a view that some won’t like But are government plans And bureaucrat hands The best supply of good healthcare? There are other means To help those in need If only we could looks elsewhere. It’s an administrative mire Overworked and tired The staff are inundated But mention a thing About shortcomings You’re excommunicated There are bungles galore Health outcomes are poor What about all the waiting At A&E Or to see a GP Or if you need operating? So many deaths From abuse or neglect That’s murder or manslaughter Nevertheless Those on those on the left Still worship at its altar Maybe the NHS is overhyped They said that it would save us, get us back to where we were Thank goodness for big pharma, on that we can concur. Just two little jabs and that’s all you will need. Then we’ll have herd immunity and we will all be freed To protect us all, to protect you, to protect me. Well, possibly. Maybe we shouldn’t rush to have the vax Until we are abreast of all the facts Hate to impugn But you’re still not immune Young men now at risk like seniors Sudden deaths galore Bloodclots and more Thrombocytopenia It’s like we’ve been bluffed Now two’s not enough It won’t stop you from being contagious And then there’s the app The Orwellian trap To force it on kids is outrageous Maybe we shouldn’t rush to have the vax

I don’t have big muscles I’m not six foot tall I’m don’t have a six pack I don’t have shedloads of money Or a fancy home Or a flashy car But there was an international survey … and the results showed … There’s one thing I do have … And it’s irresistible I’ve got the sexiest accent in the world It will make you wallow swoon and swirl Don’t believe me? They did a global test And found that English Is the sexiest. I’ve got the sexiest accent in the world Look at the effect it has on girls They mustn’t see me Cos then it all gets odd Only hear me And then I’m a love god So if I want a love affair to last I have to do it through the medium of podcast Nothing in vision You switch the camera off You need some ear pods And then you will get off They didn’t say French, non, non, non. Or Italian. Non e il piu sessi l'italiano. Or Irish, lyrical, lyrical, lyrical. Or Pakistani. I'm not doing that one. They said English. And by English, they didn’t mean Birmingham. Or up north … right sexy … or out west … right sexy. They meant the accent of those that commanded the British empire. You might be one of these people that suffers from some kind of post colonial loathing of anything white, English or male. Whatever I’ve got the sexiest accent in the world Whenever I speak knickers get hurled With just one listen You’ll be so up for it The foreign ladies Oh, they adore it In this age of post colonial guilt Consider the effects of the English lilt You want to obey Then disobey it next In equal measure That’s why it’s great for sex My accent’s like some sexual power tool Just because I went to public school When women hear it They want to take the plunge Because my accent’s A magnet for the clunge I’ve got the sexiest accent in the world If only I could actually meet a girl

I’ve fallen so in love with this girl Her name is … Gary My mates says say Gary isn’t actually a girl I don’t care I want to marry Gary (Is this some kind of joke Gary is a bloke) I don’t care I want to marry Gary (This is just absurd Gary’s not a bird) I don’t care I want to marry Gary Gary likes football and quizzes and going down the pub And in the summer time she hangs out at the cricket club I’m wanna marry Gary (She opens the batting She looks like Mike Gatting) I don’t care I want to marry Gary (Gary’s got a beard You’re being very weird) I don’t care I wanna marry Gary Gary’s having time off from her job. She’s a scaffolder Cos at the weekend playing rugby, she dislocated her shoulder (You’re having a laugh Gary plays scrum half) I don’t care I want to marry Gary (Gary’s not a dame The clue is in his name) I don’t care I want to marry Gary Gary likes steak and baked potato for her tea And then she’ll watch a science programme on Discovery I’m going to marry Gary (Gary’s got a van Gary is a man) I don’t care I want to marry Gary (He’s got a hairy back And a hairy sack) I don’t care I’m going to marry Gary Gary says gender is nothing more than a social construct My mates say Gary’s talking out of her rectal duct I’m going to marry Gary You’ll have a nasty shock Gary’s got a cock I don’t care I’m going to marry Gary (It’s not hard to tell This will not end well) I don’t care I’m going to marry Gary (we’ve been here before Several times before) I don’t care There was your girlfriend Barry I don’t care And then before that Harry I don’t care And what became of Larry? I don’t care Gary, Gary, Gary. FIN

I remember once I tasted true love Love like you’ll never know When I looked at her eyes My heart would capsize God did I love her so We laughed, we danced We were both entranced It was magic, that’s no joke I’ll never find better I’ll never forget her Though … maybe it was the coke Maybe it was the coke. Maybe it was the coke Maybe, maybe Maybe, maybe RANT Maybe it was the coke I remember once I was with two mates Sat on a bench by a pond When up in the sky A spaceship flew by And hovered above and beyond It beamed out a light Then rose up out of sight There was a hum and a whoosh and a zoom I said lads you see that They said yes for a fact Though … maybe it was the shrooms Maybe it was the shrooms. Maybe it was the shrooms Maybe, maybe Maybe, maybe RANT Maybe it was the shrooms I remember once we lived int his world A world I would rather forget Full of petty laws Inflation and war Waste and injustice and debt Corruption and tax Your every movement was tracked Everywhere envy and hate People brainwashed Individual thought lost Though … maybe it was the state And by the state I mean the government, the civil service, the law, education - the whole system Maybe it was the state. Maybe it was the state Maybe, maybe Maybe, maybe Maybe it was the state

In times of strife and drama when troubles come to men The Indians have karma, the Chinese have their zen The Greeks believed in destiny to keep them firm and strong The English we have just one word when things go wrong Oh, bollocks - it’s pouring down I’m going to get drenched Oh, bollocks - a bomb’s just landed in this trench Oh, bollocks - I had to go to court, got sued and lost the trial I wrote 10,000 words, and then erased the file Oh bollocks! William the Conqueror came across the sea King Harold lost his kingdom, his life, his legacy When that notorious arrow pierced him in his eye He shook his head so wearily and muttered with a sigh Oh, bollocks - here comes a thousand years of Norman rule Oh, bollocks - I’ve lost it all I’m such a bloody fool Oh, bollocks - history will never be the same And no one in the future will ever know my name. Oh bollocks! Life is hard and cruel. It can really get you down. Just look it in the eye and meet it with a frown Breathe in nice and deep, fill you lungs with air Then utter every consonant and let me hear you swear Oh, bollocks I just got hacked my bitcoin has been robbed Oh bollocks I used the wrong pronoun and lost me job Oh bollocks, I accidentally messaged an old ex Now she’s in my bedroom and starting to undress Oh bollocks. Oh bollocks my country’s going down the bloody drain Oh bollocks forgot my mask I can’t get on the train Oh bollocks death will come to all of us one day Well when he comes for me, this is what I'll say Oh bollocks

I’m very ambitious for my son. I want him to be very successful in whatever he chooses to do with his life. And in the same way that Rudyard Kipling wrote IF for his boy, I’ve written this poem for mine for the day he comes of age and wonders how to make something of himself. It’s called, ‘It Pays To Be A Cunt’. I’d like to read it to you now, Throughout your life You are taught to be nice To give and not to take But let’s now assess Other people’s success To understand this big mistake I’ll be straight about this right from the front You may not like the word but it pays to be cunt. Yes hard work pays And you make your own luck But the way to get power Is to never give a fuck In order to prove what I have to say Let’s look at some cunts in the world today Eyes down look in let’s give it some welly Exhibit A - the cunts on the telly. Piers Morgan, Gary Lineker Alan Sugar, Former Prime Minister Tony Blair, Cristiano Ronaldo Kanye West, Gwyneth Paltrow Jeremy Clarkson, Russell Brand, Alan Shearer, They’re all from cunt land You must be charming at all times and appear to be nice But disregard this façade without thinking twice Jilt your guilt don’t wallow in sorrow Be a cunt today, you’ll have success tomorrow It’s a truth we have to confront Show me a leader of his field As I’ll now reveal And I’ll show you … a cunt George Osborne is first I reckon With Harvey Weinstein a close second Jose Mourinho, Emmanuel Macron Bill Cosby, One Direction A Syrian’s next. To the list we add His Excellency President Bashar El Assad Then we’ve got that Korean loon Supreme leader Kim Jong Un Saddam Hussein and Chairman Mao Hitler, Stalin and Simon Cowell Don’t know their names and nor do you But those faceless cunts at the EU Both Clintons and both Obamas Everyone involved in BBC drama I was going to say the Dalai Lama I bottled out for fear the karma Like a puppy that keeps coming back to play Jamie Oliver’s the cunt that won’t go away (He’s a cunt on a piece of elastic) You are his subject, he will command you The cunt of the realm HRH prince Prince Andrew Benedict Cumberbatch that’s elementary Sir Jimmy Saville well he’s cunt of the century Madonna, Madonna can you do the fandango You Charlie Uniform November Tango Andrew Lloyd Webber …. Nothing rhymes of Andrew Lloyd Webber apart from cunt Elton John … he’s the queen of cunts Sepp Blatter … he’s that dodgy Fifa cunt Sting … he’s the tantric cunt Lance Armstrong … cheating cyclist cunt Robin Thicke … plagiarising cunt Ross Ashcroft … a bloke who fucked me over once cunt Stick my step-father in there too … Lou Doppelt - lying, thieving, cheating cunt. Jon Bercow … not even worth the name of cunt Brian Cox … he’s so annoying he can only be a cunt George Clooney … smug cunt … Posh and Becks … a double cunt Tom Cruise … scientologist closet cunt Osama Bin Laden … dead cunt Jeffrey Epstein … another dead cunt Everyone at Sky and Channel 4 news … a cuntitude of cunts David Lammy … Hitler cunt Mark Zukkerberg … autistic cunt Diane Abbott … innumerate cunt Oscar Pistorius … legless cunt Comedian who just stands there on stage calling people cunts cunt ... If you can fill the psychopathic minute With 60 seconds worth of evil done Yours is the earth and everything that’s in it. And which is more you’ll be a cunt my son.